Finding Pleasure in Relationships with Emily Nagoski's "Come Together"

In her latest book, "Come Together," Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., delves deeper into the complexities of sexual well-being with the same humor and vulnerability that made her first book, "Come as You Are," a groundbreaking success. "Come Together" expands on understanding sexual desire, intimacy, and the dynamics of long-term relationships, especially through the lenses of spontaneous and responsive desires, and introduces a shared desire as a bridge between the two.

I had the opportunity to hear Dr Nagoski speak with Ian Kerner at the Union Temple House in Brooklyn. (Thank you Ripped Bodice!)

Understanding Spontaneous and Responsive Desire

Dr. Nagoski provides a nuanced exploration of spontaneous and responsive desire, terms that, while not new, are crucial for understanding sexual dynamics. Spontaneous desire is characterized by an immediate feeling of sexual arousal, often without any external stimulus. It's the "out of the blue" desire that popular culture often romanticizes. Responsive desire, on the other hand, emerges in response to sexual or romantic stimuli; it's the arousal that develops from an interaction or situation that is sexually or emotionally stimulating.

Dr. Nagoski emphasizes the importance of recognizing and bridging these types of desires in a relationship. She argues that neither type is superior or more valid than the other, and understanding the interplay between them can lead to a more fulfilling sexual connection. This insight challenges the misconception that a healthy sexual relationship is defined by constant, spontaneous desire, offering comfort and understanding to those who may experience desire differently.

Embracing Pleasure and Shared Desires

A standout moment in "Come Together" is Dr. Nagoski's discussion on the role of pleasure in sexual relationships, encapsulated in the quote, "It is not dysfunctional to not want sex you don’t like." This powerful statement underscores the importance of pleasure as the cornerstone of sexual desire and satisfaction. Dr. Nagoski encourages individuals and couples to explore what pleasure means to them and to seek out a shared desire that bridges individual preferences and inclinations. To the audience question, “What if partner can’t access pleasure?,” she said, “Be patient kind and understanding.”

Dedicated Insights for Heterosexual Couples

Dr. Nagoski dedicates an entire chapter to the nuances of heterosexual relationships, recognizing the unique challenges and dynamics they face. This focus underscores her commitment to providing tailored advice that addresses the specific needs and concerns of different relationship types. By doing so, Dr. Nagoski aims to foster a deeper understanding and empathy between partners, encouraging them to navigate their sexual journey together with openness and curiosity.

The Emotional Floor Plan

One of the most innovative concepts introduced in "Come Together" is the emotional floor plan. Dr. Nagoski uses this metaphor to help readers understand how to access a "sexy state of mind" amidst the complexities of daily life. The emotional floor plan provides a framework for individuals to identify their emotional and physical states and understand how these states can either facilitate or hinder their readiness for intimacy. This approach offers practical strategies for couples to create the conditions that foster sexual desire, emphasizing the importance of emotional connection and psychological readiness for a fulfilling sexual experience.

Conclusion

In "Come Together," Dr. Emily Nagoski builds on her foundational work to offer deeper insights into the nature of sexual desire, the importance of pleasure, and the complexity of human relationships. Through her exploration of spontaneous and responsive desires, the significance of shared pleasures, and the practical application of the emotional floor plan, Dr. Nagoski invites readers to redefine their understanding of intimacy. Her work is a testament to the power of knowledge, empathy, and communication in nurturing sexual well-being and strengthening the bonds of love.

Resources

• Learn more about Dr Emily Nagoski

• Check out Dr. Emily Nagoski’s books Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections and Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

• Check out upcoming events at the Ripped Bodice.

• Check out Fempower Health’s Sexual Health Resources.

• Listen to the Fempower Health podcast on iTunes or Spotify.

• Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter

Disclaimers

The information shared by Fempower Health is not medical advice but for informational purposes to enable you to have more effective conversations with your doctor.  Always talk to your doctor before making health-related decisions. Additionally, the views expressed by the Fempower Health podcast guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.

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